Written By: Francis J. Santora, Clinical Trainee at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program
EACH OF US LIVES BY A STORY-a personal narrative we tell ourselves about who we are, where we’ve been, and what’s possible for us. This story isn’t only about the facts and events of our past experiences. It’s also about meaning. The story shapes the way we experience relationships, setbacks and successes, and even our sense of self-worth. Perhaps most important, the narrative has the power to either limit us, or liberate us.
A helpful metaphor for this is to imagine your awareness as a flashlight. Imagine your attention as a beam of light – you shine it on different things throughout your day: your to-do list, your homework, your body, and your relationships. But how often do you shine it on the thoughts that make up your inner story? The script running in the background that is narrating your experiences in the moment?
A vital point for all of us (and especially for those who guide or support young people) is this: thoughts are also things. Thoughts may not take up space in a room, but they do shape our mental and emotional landscape. When we give too much of our attention to thoughts that are self-critical or harsh, we can unknowingly reinforce a narrative that limits us, and can make life seem hopeless at times. But when we intentionally redirect the flashlight of our awareness to thoughts that uplift, encourage, and connect us to possibility, it’s like casting a good spell on ourselves, and others. The result of which can lead to healthier self-narratives with greater emotional balance, and confidence.
This is especially critical during adolescence, a time when personal narratives are actively being formed. Teenagers are asking themselves – Who am I? Where do I fit in? What do I believe about myself? At this point in life our self-talk is the raw material of identity. If a young person’s inner script is filled with self-doubt (“I’m not good enough,” “No one gets me”), that story can harden into a self-concept that lingers into adulthood. But when teens are listened to, and supported in noticing their thoughts, they can write a personal script that is based in self-acceptance, and ultimately more empowering.
As parents, educators, and therapists, part of our work is helping teens become aware of this inner conversation, and the flashlight of their awareness. We can ask questions like: What story are you telling yourself right now? Does that story help you or hurt you? Is there another way to see this moment or yourself? This reframing doesn’t deny difficulty by any means; it invites growth.
The best news? Personal narratives can be rewritten at any time. The past may be written, but the story isn’t over. You are the author. And if you’re a teen reading this: you get to decide who you’re becoming. If you’re a parent or mentor: you get to model and support that story-building process every day.
So, shine your flashlight with intention. Notice what you’re illuminating. Is it feeding fear, or nurturing self-worth? Is it dragging you down or lifting you up?
There’s a song lyric that I feel helps sum up this post: “so often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we hold the key…”. Perhaps the key the lyric points to is our self-talk. After all, the most important conversation that you’re having is the one that you’re having with yourself.
